Wednesday, February 18, 2004
4:12PM - sadness
you allready missed it
another life lesson
bit you on the cheek
but you turned to stone
before the teeth could
and the birds were SCREAMING it
as they gracefully soared through
empty velveteen skies
you could never recognise
any of it
another tunnel dug
burrow yourself free
you will never be free
i hate to see it end
burrow run disintegrate
any means possible
next time you sing
your sad song to yourself
remember whose bright
fucking idea it was
you never run
you always ran
cowardice grows on your
self planted trees of illusion
4:10PM - satisfaction
fortune empire manipulative deoderant SCAR
eliminate self or
just accept this give in and don't give
RAPE your mind
lillies dot the i that spells:
too many perpetrators to orphan or exclude
it starts with SELF
4:06PM - agitation
i don't know what i am or
what i need but
i know i don't want you and
your savage comfort
you'd die for me
well that's okay
i would rather die than
see you tonight
Nothing Against You
i'm just not the biggest
fan of suffocation
i much prefer isolation
but Ian Curtis' been working
on me again
i don't want to be unkind
but is it possible to NOT be anymore??!
i know you thought you knew me
face value can be cruel
you let me use you
so okay now
tanks full up and
gee it sure is rough
to be left on empty
but it is
NOTHING AGAINST YOU
and i am hurting too
my tolerance for self destructive
emotional purgatory is just
a little higher i guess
4:03PM - silly
devil is in my kitchen appliances
especially the stove top
he always leaves it on
after i cook my eggs and
bacon is swell with horns atop
goddamn,he's in the microwave
my tea's never hot enough
or its too hot, hotter than
washrooms in hell
and oh my i realize
the biggest secret of them all:
GOD IS OREO ICE CREAM CAKE
GOD TASTES GOOD
Tuesday, January 20, 2004
11:31PM - pops
every once in a while i wonder
where are you and if
your shame consumes you
surely it does, i hope i hope
your ok but
i used to wish it did but now
i just hope that you remember me at all
my door was once open to you
then i forced it shut
christmas cards and empty 20 dollar bills
littered the floor
outside that door
its open just a crack right now
but i can't promise that it will always be
i don't want to see you
because you'll know that i am not a man
and it will kill you
the guilt, i'm sure it kills
gotta force it out of your mind
tell yourself you did all you can
tell yourself that it was enough
baseball, im 5 years old, i had
and i was told that i have to love you, my maker,
to love myself
but i can't love what i don't know, my father
and i WILL NOT FORCE MYSELF to love the
idea of you
where are you in your life and
are you really like me or
is that condiscension in your voice
you left a hole in me
do you know that?
and i can ignore it and i
can fill it with faux fatherly love
but its still there and it
i don't ever want kids
so i can't be like you
a million kids say this every day
i am just a statistic but
i won't ever be like you
i won't even risk it
thinking of knowing you is
thinking of knowing death
something far away that i can
did you really do those things
that mom said you did
we both know that she is insane
but how much did you contribute
to her loss of marbles
and the eventual loss
Thursday, December 25, 2003
5:23PM - all together nonexistent
fleeting (spasmodic) moments of
liquid drizzling passion throwing flames
salivia sunset that
disrupts my mind's eye forecast
give me my power back
return my bubble and
GIVE ME MY POWER BACK
Gravy boat bastard makes me
losing his hair
bald falcon coin collecting
merchant of disenfranchisment
"nothing is meaningless"
my middle finger knows (HE KNOWS)
i am alive so
why can't i feel it?
we sat in your car
stampede of raindrops gallopped on the roof
and we giggled over the song
stuck in your head
70's country/western obscurity
made us chuckle
you said that i was flaky
you said you really don't
understand me sometimes
but you told me to call you
what a gift
you gave me that night
and i have frequently lived in
that moment ever since
Friday, December 19, 2003
oh how i wanted it
i wanted to eat it
god, did i need it
now i am defeated
you stole my octopus
how dare you
you make me sick
you stole my octopus
gave me a photograph
he's tied to a chair
do you want ransom?
cuz he is so handsome
you stole my octopus
that is not eloquent
you make me sick
you stole my octopus
ten tentacles and you took every one
ten tentacles you think you have won
ten tentacles and you've got a gun
don't hurt my octopus, i'm begging you
you stole my octopus
you are a weiner
you stole my octopus
you make me sick
Tuesday, December 16, 2003
i don't want any part of your old ways
i don't understand how these old words
can hurt so much
can build so many prisons
can hurt so many
i don't want to be 5 years old again, torturing myself at night
sleep won't come
and its so real, i can feel the flames licking my face
i don't want to be poked and prodded with a book and a promise that an OLD god will have his way
or there will be hell to pay.
i met a man today and when he spoke of god , his face was these words
met a girl the other day and she cried her tears were these words
i wanted to have empathy but instead i was so fucking angry
i saw my sister today she's trapped and she can't escape
and she is just a girl, the bible says. she must obey.
she is just EVE the bible say. SHE MUST OBEY.
she sees my freedom as sin and she BELIEVES
that is all she has ever known
and i wish i could explain make her see
she does not have to live that way
HER FEAR IS HER PRISON
i don't want another little kid to know the
fear i knew
and the anger i know
saw a priest today
and oh your god is so good
your god is so great
i bet you can't wait to tell
me allll about it
but it seems to me
that those who question burn
and those who bury their desires underneath
scriptures will KNOW SALVATION
but desire always bubbles to the surface because THE PERSON WHO YOU WANT US TO BE IS IMPOSSIBLE.
and it is impossible to hold on to the fear and guilt and ANGER FRUSTRATION its holy castration why can you not see that your rosaries are your noose??!
and oh mother
i don't blame you, i blame those old ways
oh mother i know you tried, i know you are in a prison too.
and i don't blame you.
Wednesday, December 10, 2003
Everybody make sure and add my new journal to their friends list:
be square and be there
Tuesday, December 9, 2003
1:20PM - attention
attention all friends.
i am going to be discontinuing this journal starting now. (or maybe tomorrow)
i have a new account and journal and my username is: DOTFUCKINGCOM.
please feel free to add me bc my computer skillz are not cool enough to transfer my current list of friends over to my new journal.
my gf is helping me to make my new journal much more enjoyable with lots of pics and stuff...i even have a brandnew icon of everyone's favorite, Darby Crash...
this journal (tokyoclusterfuk) will be used strictly for chaotic poetry ramblings.
just wanted to let everyone know that.
love and popcicles,
Monday, December 8, 2003
no work for me today. no sir not on sunday...
today i watched 'it's a wonderful life' with the sound off, and played 'dark side of the moon' by pink floyd in place of the sound. the resemblance is uncanny.
then i met up with rachel. if feels so good having a gf. we shared our individual dramas with each other for awhile. then we went to this pool hall that is right down the street from me and she gave me a private tarot reading. rachel is so sexy in a wiccan kinda way with her longlong curly black hair. while she read my fortune, some redneck came up to us and asked us if we were practicing witchcraft. and he was serious. moron. we made fun of him constantly for the hour or so that we spent in playworld (name of the pool hall)
on a scary note, she asked me if i wanted to move in with her when she gets her new apartment. in a way i think that could be wonderful bc we get along so well and have gotten so close and enjoy frequent sex with each other.
but on the other hand DANGERDANGERhorror pureunfiltered fear nectar...
we went and got coffee and then parted ways. who says a relationship cannot work without sex?
later i played scattergories with jason. (my roommate) he won, fucking duchenugget.
after that, i:
1.finished reading my book on taoist beliefs.
2. meditated for 20 minutes (i think that soon i will be able to go for 35)
3. daydreamed on my beanbag chair while listening to 'louder than bombs' by the smiths and then this mix i recently obtained with bright eyes, joy division, yo la tengo, liz phair, mudhoney and lots of other goodies.
4. worked on my new short story for approximately 34 minutes.
5. worked on my zine for around 15 min.
6. made hummus
7. went and saw 'bad santa' with pete (it was ok) followed by jamming until about midnight.
8. got on the computer and have remained there ever since.
PERFECT WAY TO SPEND A FUCKIN SUNDAY
i am looking forward to crawling into bed and pondering until i fall asleep.
tomorrow me and julia are going to take psuedo sexual avant guard pictures of ourselves just for fun. rachel is not to thrilled with the idea. she wants to be present...but she has to work. will it work out? can it?
i don't know...leave me alone obsessive nature i need rest...
Sunday, November 30, 2003
2:21PM - daddymac'll make ya jump
it snowed here on friiiiday yeahyeah. it was terrif, truly. snowball fights and sledding on jumbotrashcan lids what could be better?!
but now the snow is gone. ah yes, nothing lasts forever.
had a decent thanksgiving...saw some woman with a tiny little guitar thingie (i SHOULD know what that thingie is called but alas...)
play and her bandmates played things like tubas and saws. i forget the name of their act..we just called her the sexiest middle school teacher ever bc thats what she resembled for some reason.
eric wiped his butt with my hat after i pasted him in the ear with a snowball. haha he's so cheeky.
there is something in the air tonight...and its bothering me.
but thats ok...
Wednesday, November 12, 2003
2:16PM - transgressive gone fishin'
i hate work.
trail riding later, am stoked.
lindsey is rad. she knows the bassist of superchunk and she snowboards. she is also a master of eloquent dialogue and social grace.
unfortunetly she is friends with rachel (who gets jealous at the drop of a beanie) so i can't really talk to her much unless rachel instigates the conversation or it will seem like i am flirting with my girl friends friend.
the first issue of my zine 'fuck yer tv up the ass' is still not finished...it has been a work in progress for like 9 months now...but it is going to be damn good when its finally complete folks.
i am so becomming obsessed with reggae. noooo wo-man no cry...
Tuesday, November 11, 2003
i love lightning bolt.
everyone needs to see them live at least once but don't be fooled people...they are STRICTLY a live band...
many agree that they are quite abrasive and unlistenable on vinyl or compact disc... unless yer into that sort of thing..
i got a tee shirt today with uncle sam pointing at you and the caption says "uncle SCAM wants YOU"
i could just die...
ok well im done... the itch is scratched adios
Friday, November 7, 2003
4:05PM - dot fucking com
long live sky people tatoo!
i decided to wait until wednesday to get my free ink done so that i have more time to obsess over what to get but i am PRETTY sure
that i am going to get this trippy semi tribal green and black rat with a crazy winding tail. it is Owl's own design. (i came up with the tail part and the color scheme)
it's not the most original idea but hell i don't care i love it too passionately to care.
so also, a friend of mine just purchased a vial of quality lsd. must...resist...intense temptation urges...
i saw the princess and the warrior last night. it stars lola from run,lola,run. she is so fab. she is so graceful.
i got an old ronald mcdonald paper weight at a garage sale. i feel so charmed. i am living proof that miracles do happen.
i can't believe how much i love life right now, that is most unlike me...
rectal fusions and telepathic starbuckian intercourse for all!!
i am writing this pretty late, so probably noone will get to read it...
i am getting a free tatoo tomorrow. i'm gonna be a guinea pig to some apprentice lady.
i was kinda thinking of ripping off this tat that the bassist of the murder city devils has, but then i realized that that would be totally weak.
there is way too much drug access in asheville...i'm not used to it.
in the last 3 days i have
1) tripped on some really good acid (1.5 hits of paper, lasted about 6 hours, peaked for about 4, minimual visuals but extremely intense)
2) drank some decent mushroom tea (4 caps, lasted about 5 hours, felt disconnected and jolly through the majority of it, decent visuals for first 2.5 hours)
3) drank 2 shots of ganja oil.
that last one prolly needs a little explaining. (i had never heard of ganja oil until yesterday)
we picked up this hitchhiker hoping he might have some ganja. instead he had ganja oil. apparently his roommate is a dealer and recently had 10 lbs of marijuana. the cooked up a few pounds for 36 hours i think he said and the result was a half gallon of ganja oil (which people are supposed to use for things like pot brownies)
basically it was like pure thc. he told us to take a sip and we would be high for a good 4 hours. i, like the dumbass i surely am, drank about 2 shots...and was unbelievably fucked up out of my mind for the next 8(!!) hours.
that is a loooong time to be stoned kids...
so yeah i have had an interesting last couple days. in other news my new job sucks, of course, and ooh!ooh! i have a significant other! her name is rachel and we fooled around in some bushes when i was tripping on the shrooms...she is so rad i think i might be in love...seriously. i keep finding myself pondering little moments that i have spent with her, spending my time away from her living in this moments...its pretty intense.
the faucet is no longer leaking...
Sunday, November 2, 2003
5:34PM - CONVOY ORGIES
hallowe'en was excellent.
after spending all week debating whether or not to go see kid koala spin or attend the monsters of japan show (fyi moj are a theatrical 'scary' metal band, yknow fake blood and such) i finally decided on kid koala. it was SO good, well worth the ticket prices. i was one of the few people in costume but it was worth it to see peoples reactions (i was 'the comic book guy' from the simpsons)
i def need to catch up on my friends journals and find out what peeps dressed up as.
i feel so out of the loop..
Thursday, October 9, 2003
so i have not written in QUITE some time but its good bc now i don't have to bitch about existenstial crises...now i can just bitch about my everyday life haw haw hee haw
my new roommate is fantabulous...his name is jason and he was a herion junkie/crust punk/member of the green party(??)/ bum for like 5 or 6 years and now he is just an insane artist who rules...we are going to go train hopping when it gets warm again (which i have never done yippeeskippe)
ack my love life sucks...i am in bi mode again...i keep falling for lame frat boy esque guys who think i am cool for SOME reason...whatever at least i am kinda gettin laid a little..
fuck my creative writing class is so weak...we have assignments like what would you put in a time capsule what are we in the fuckin 6th grade again?!...anyway heres what i put:
1. decaffinated coffee
2. Through the Looking Glass by Lewis Carrol
3. walt disneys headless skeleton
4. pert peppermint nipples
6. photos of large bodies of water
7. photos of rainforrests
8. Elvis' shitstained underpants
9. Monica Lewinskys novel
10. recording of ANY of George W's public speeches
11. pez dispenser w/ pez
13. my capn' jazz cd
o wait also i am half finished with my latest short story...i really like it alot and hope that i can post some of it in lj soon
Sunday, September 28, 2003
5:46PM - poodle pisgah
i really am glad that dogs love me so much, i AM.
but why do they always have to distribute they're love whilst being either utterly filthy or wet and filthy?
i ache to take a shower...
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